A Surge of Hope

Today as I was reading Psalm 73, it was like being injected with hope. Sometimes, as I read the Bible I tend to pass over verses I've read often before. Lately, I have been trying to read everything and hear with my heart what God is saying. Today my heart heard.

Psalm 73:21-24

“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory.” 

I relate to these verses, especially the first two in my effort to be a perfect person and in that quest I fail, oh so miserably. In fact, I am learning how to NOT try to be a perfect person, because it is an unattainable goal that will always leave me wanting and failing. So yes, I relate to the first two verses when the writer is not in a good place because he is embittered and senseless, ignorant. It caught me by surprise when I read the verse and word in verse 23, "nevertheless". Did I read that correctly? Continually with God? It hit me like cool aloe on a sunburn - God does not go away or leave, this is not a touch and go relationship. We are not left on our own to get it together so we can then go to God. God does not disappear. I can’t express how this builds hope and safety in my heart. It’s as if I understand better the truth that God loves me where I am at and loves me wholly. It’s a perfect example of God loving me because of who He is and not where I am in my filth, joy or wherever I find myself. THANK YOU JESUS! No, it does not justify my poor behavior, it gives me hope in spite of myself. “His kindness leads us to repentance”; “His love never fails” I am brought to tears thinking about a love like this, a God like this and this is who He is! Thank You God. Thank You for your kindness and the fact that You never leave us or forsake us. I can be human, not perfect. Yet, I am also drawn to not be the person in the first two verses, His kindness truly does lead to repentance. Today, I will be a peace with myself and where I am in life. Today I have the confidence that - I am continually with God. 

Anxiety

Anxiety is hard to describe, especially the feelings that surround it. That overwhelming panic, the rapid beating of the heart as it is flooded with fear. I hate, yes hate, that feeling. Lately, I have been having a lot of anxiety, because life hasn’t gone as I anticipated. The worst thing about anxiety is the taunting fear. I know the Bible says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)”. I prayed for it to go away and it didn’t seem to work. What was I doing wrong? (That added thought that I was doing something wrong only increased my anxiety – UGHH!) “God, help!”, this is probably my best prayer to date. “God, help, I can’t seem to let go of this anxiety and I am afraid I don’t really know how to do it, help Jesus, help.”

Well I would like to say that all of a sudden I never struggled with anxiety again, yet that is not true. I still struggle, although, thankfully it is getting better. When those feelings of paralyzing fear overwhelm me, I am learning not to entertain those thoughts. I am learning to talk to God instead of ponder the anxiety running through me. It is a process and sometimes I feel as if I am saying the same prayer to God over and over. Yet, the God I love and know isn’t bothered by my repetition. I think God is teaching me to deal with anxiety simply by not giving it fuel to thrive in my heart and mind. I am now running to God and confessing honestly where I am at. I no longer try with my own strength to ignore it; I bring it to the Cross. It is a process. 

I often wish I could pray and “zap” it would all disappear - my problems, my issues, my anxiety. Yet, I realize that I am also learning in this process, I am discovering how to lean on God. I am learning how to hand over my thoughts and hurts. I think this is a valuable lesson because as I move through life difficulties will come and now I will have a valuable tool to use. I really appreciate the way God loves and grows me. I won’t lie and say I appreciate fighting through this anxiety, yet…yet God is faithful and I get to discover anew His faithful, faithful love and that I do appreciate.

Wherever you are as you read this I pray that you, too, will discover God’s faithful love. And I welcome your prayers as I walk through this process. I feel as if I am squeezing tightly onto God’s hand, slowly I am relaxing my grip and enjoying the journey once again.

God is faithful.