Thursday, July 28, 2016

A Surge of Hope

Today as I was reading Psalm 73, it was like being injected with hope. Sometimes, as I read the Bible I tend to pass over verses I've read often before. Lately, I have been trying to read everything and hear with my heart what God is saying. Today my heart heard.

Psalm 73:21-24
“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory.” 

I relate to these verses, especially the first two in my effort to be a perfect person and in that quest I fail, oh so miserably. In fact, I am learning how to NOT try to be a perfect person, because it is an unattainable goal that will always leave me wanting and failing. So yes, I relate to the first two verses when the writer is not in a good place because he is embittered and senseless, ignorant. It caught me by surprise when I read the verse and word in verse 23, "nevertheless". Did I read that correctly? Continually with God? It hit me like cool aloe on a sunburn - God does not go away or leave, this is not a touch and go relationship. We are not left on our own to get it together so we can then go to God. God does not disappear. I can’t express how this builds hope and safety in my heart. It’s as if I understand better the truth that God loves me where I am at and loves me wholly. It’s a perfect example of God loving me because of who He is and not where I am in my filth, joy or wherever I find myself. THANK YOU JESUS! No, it does not justify my poor behavior, it gives me hope in spite of myself. “His kindness leads us to repentance”; “His love never fails” I am brought to tears thinking about a love like this, a God like this and this is who He is! Thank You God. Thank You for your kindness and the fact that You never leave us or forsake us. I can be human, not perfect. Yet, I am also drawn to not be the person in the first two verses, His kindness truly does lead to repentance. Today, I will be a peace with myself and where I am in life. Today I have the confidence that - I am continually with God. 


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Anxiety


Anxiety is hard to describe, especially the feelings that surround it. That overwhelming panic, the rapid beating of the heart as it is flooded with fear. I hate, yes hate, that feeling. Lately, I have been having a lot of anxiety, because life hasn’t gone as I anticipated. The worst thing about anxiety is the taunting fear. I know the Bible says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)”. I prayed for it to go away and it didn’t seem to work. What was I doing wrong? (That added thought that I was doing something wrong only increased my anxiety – UGHH!) “God, help!”, this is probably my best prayer to date. “God, help, I can’t seem to let go of this anxiety and I am afraid I don’t really know how to do it, help Jesus, help.”

Well I would like to say that all of a sudden I never struggled with anxiety again, yet that is not true. I still struggle, although, thankfully it is getting better. When those feelings of paralyzing fear overwhelm me, I am learning not to entertain those thoughts. I am learning to talk to God instead of ponder the anxiety running through me. It is a process and sometimes I feel as if I am saying the same prayer to God over and over. Yet, the God I love and know isn’t bothered by my repetition. I think God is teaching me to deal with anxiety simply by not giving it fuel to thrive in my heart and mind. I am now running to God and confessing honestly where I am at. I no longer try with my own strength to ignore it; I bring it to the Cross. It is a process. 

I often wish I could pray and “zap” it would all disappear - my problems, my issues, my anxiety. Yet, I realize that I am also learning in this process, I am discovering how to lean on God. I am learning how to hand over my thoughts and hurts. I think this is a valuable lesson because as I move through life difficulties will come and now I will have a valuable tool to use. I really appreciate the way God loves and grows me. I won’t lie and say I appreciate fighting through this anxiety, yet…yet God is faithful and I get to discover anew His faithful, faithful love and that I do appreciate.

Wherever you are as you read this I pray that you, too, will discover God’s faithful love. And I welcome your prayers as I walk through this process. I feel as if I am squeezing tightly onto God’s hand, slowly I am relaxing my grip and enjoying the journey once again.

God is faithful.